AFTER all the excitement of the federal election, and seeing Albo jump on the jet to foreign lands, I’ve been continuing to threaten Wanda with a tilt at parliament.
It’s possibly not surprising that she’s been supportive of the move.
“But you know there’ll be long periods away from home,” I tell her.
“Yes, Wayne. I’ll be okay. The children will probably visit more,” she says, as cutting as she is subtle.
So, with the flame continuing to flicker – with both Wanda and the parliamentary move – I’ve been wandering through the ministries to see which most takes my fancy.
I get it. The people in power choose the ministry. And as an independent, I won’t be one of those.
But I’m banking that as a successful lone candidate and professional fence sitter, I’ll be holding the balance of power, which will give me my choice of portfolio.
I’m resigned to the fact I won’t be able to pry the big chair from under the prime minister, nor that of the treasurer. That’s a seat I’d have never wanted anyway. There are way too many numbers for the left side of my brain to calculate.
In mathematics class once, I was asked to solve a problem. I ended up drawing a picture of a battlefield in which each of the combatants was firing a water pistol. Y+X= peace, not war, right?
Let’s just say balancing any type of books isn’t my thing, unless we’re talking about novels which is a whole different story.
There are many more attractive portfolios, each with hidden benefits.
Having had an eye on Penny Wong’s visits to Japan and no doubt elsewhere as foreign minister, the travel is enticing.
I got three strands of lettuce on a Big Mac the other day, so imagine how many icebergs would be on the shelves of all those non-flood-impacted countries.
The Japanese like to use those little lettuce leaves that look like cups. They plonk in some mince and herbs, and voila. Yum.
There must be some sort of foreign relations exercise that requires a federal investigation into the types of lettuce available in different continents. And imagine the accolades when I return with a plane load of $2 lettuce.
A warning to unsuspecting authors. Never write on an empty stomach.
Come to think of it, though, Wanda could join me on a couple of trips. You know, when the kids are busy.
Except Hawaii. We know that didn’t go down overly well for our former prime minister, so I’ve locked that in as a “no go” zone.
The Chinese don’t like us that much, but maybe I’m the one to change all that with my charm and charisma. Wanda would bake them some of her famous cookies, and all would be forgiven I’m sure.
Speaking of olive branches. At first glance, I baulked at the defence ministry, but there are advantages. A war photographer once said to me he felt safer on the frontline. He got shot, but there was method to his madness.
Kevin Rudd learned Chinese, and they called his bluff. There will be a lot more pointing when I sit down with the People’s Party’s foreign affairs chief over tea and cookies, but there won’t be room for interpretation.
Tea and cookies. Nothing more universal than that when trying to fix the world’s problems.
Trade and tourism has frontline benefits. I might be getting long in the tooth, but it could come in handy for me to know the world’s rich list. Personally.
In retirement, they’d probably invite Wanda and I to talk about old times. Ah, the memories. The cocktails taste so much better when drunk at a Mediterranean resort. Drunk, as in “consumed”, not as in “plastered”.
I was going to continue down the list of portfolios, but I nodded off. Like all good backbenchers, I’d need a prod from the teal victor next to me to stay on top of things.
Health and aged care, climate change and energy, education, the list go on. And on. So much opportunity.
The more I consider it however, the more I realise I’m probably not cut from the right cloth.
Hey Wanda, let the kids know they can stay away. I’m bored. Got any ideas for a new hobby?
