Whiney Wayne: Plug yourself into reality, mate

I HAVE a habit of over-hearing things.
Wanda says I’m a busy body, but that’s not it. Truth be known, sometimes I’d rather not hear what I do.
And there are times it makes me downright angry.
Yet, here I am minding my own business, and I can’t for reasons of moral virtue make it my business when I hear somebody else’s business from a mild distance.
I must confess, there was a point in my life when I felt I deserved the right to offer strangers well-meaning advice.
You know, like I’d earned that right. I’m really not sure when that point was, but I find myself compelled to share words of wisdom with those who are obviously more IQ-challenged and less experienced than myself.
Allow me to pose an example.
I’m walking through the park with Wags, and a young man with a well-groomed dog is telling another man with a football under his arm that his wife is a nag.
This may well be true, and not something I would dare pass judgement on, at least without knowing the facts or having witnessed the allegations first-hand.
But it was the gentleman’s diagnosis – the reason he felt he was under a cloud of constant harassment – that put me on edge.
You see, the man by his own admission, had a problem with plugs. When leaving the house, going to bed, embarking on holidays, he would compulsively leave appliance power plugs switched on at the wall.
I realise this seems like a fairly detailed deduction from a comment gleaned from an innocent dripping of the eaves.
“Can you believe that not only does she want me to turn it off, she wants me to pull the plug out,” dog-fashion-model-man says to his football-playing acquaintance.
It’s true, I’m envious of any man with a pristine dog. It’s not that I don’t love Wags, it’s just that after he’s dragged his hairy stomach through a half-eaten sandwich. Never mind.
So from a short sentence we can safely say this guy doesn’t see sense in switching off his devices at the wall. And less sense in pulling the plug from its socket when he’s not around.
It could also be safely surmised that he has difficulty reading, or gathers his news from reliable news sources such as Tick Tock and Auntie Ethel because he’s failed to see in the newspapers over the past five weeks how many fires have been triggered in Logan.
Whether it be a lithium battery, a dodgy electric blanket, or someone leaving their Maccas wrapper on the three bar heater they’ve got tucked in the corner of the living room, there’s one thing for certain. Electricity can be dangerous.
And if this guy doesn’t want his well-groomed dog to turn into charcoal, he probably should consider the advice of his live-in “nag” and pull the plugs from the wall when they’re not in use.
It used to be about saving money, but that’s the least of his worries if he’s picking doggie treats from a pile of rubble caused by carelessness.
Problem is, anyone running around calling his wife a nag for having his best interest at heart probably isn’t listening to advice from someone like me.
They’re probably not listening to advice from someone like a firefighter who’ll be the one risking their life because that guy’s forgotten to grab the pretty looking dog when he’s taken a runner off the back of a 3am fire alarm.
They’re probably not listening to the ambulance workers who’ve had to give his “nag” life support for smoke inhalation.
And he’s probably not listening to police who’ve had to evacuate the suburb because in suburbia we’re all living within a few feet of each other.
Because guys like that don’t care about consequences. They care only about the inconveniences that come with living in a house where someone gives enough of a damn to protect his precious belongings and those of the neighbourhood.
Hey Wanda, I’m having a Biden moment. Did I pull the toaster plug out after I had lunch? I did? Great. I wouldn’t want to risk forgetting again, so how about we go to the club for schnitzel?