Over the past week, I’ve been reading about how all of Australia’s big financial decisions, along with those of Queensland, will be made right here in Logan Central.
I can see the scenario playing out.
Federal treasurer Jim Chalmers and state treasurer Cameron Dick pack up their lunch box at the end of a long day, they switch off the light of their Logan Central office, and grab the keys from the corner of their desk.
They see each other in the carpark through the haze of a chilly winter’s night.
Mr Dick: “G’day Jim, I thought you lot worked harder in Canberra than us state folk. Calling it a day early, then? Ha ha.”
Mr Chalmers: “Ha. Give me a break, Cam. They briefed me from home on the first day. Nothing’s changed. You know how it goes, dinner with the family, kids to bed, then a night of numbers for me.”
Mr Dick: “Yeah, been a big week, right? Hey, did you get the chance to have that chat with Albo about that money you guys were going to kick in for the new offramp? I’ve convinced Aunt Annie that we should stump up half of it.”
Mr Chalmers: “Nah, Albo doesn’t get out of bed for less than a billion dollars. We’ve got a trillion in debt to sort out, you know?”
Mr Dick: “Oh yes. I forgot about that. Must be tricky, finding a way to pay for Medicare and all. Yeah, I suppose I was just wondering. You did say you thought it would be a good idea to share the cost on that road though.”
Mr Chalmers: “All good, champ. I should be able to slip that lazy hundred million through for you. It’ll need parliament approval though. We’ll pop a sustainability clause in, and the Greens should be good with it.”
Mr Dick: “Very nice of you, comrade. Looking after Logan, hey?”
Mr Chalmers: “Yep, always looking after Logan. Night Cam.”
Mr Dick: “Night Jim.”
Let’s just say it won’t be the first big deal that’s gone down in a Logan carpark.
Which got me thinking about the whole trillion dollars in debt thing – you know, the figure in which nobody seems to know how many zeros there are.
If all the big decisions are to be made here, then they’ll probably have to airlift the debt into the same carpark the road deal went down. It’s only fair that if we get to host the big decisions that we also get to be home to the country’s pain and grief.
It’s got to live somewhere, and it would be all good and well to say Canberra can keep it. But that would be to have our cake and wanting to eat it too, right?
Perhaps they could airlift it in. But how big would the helicopter have to be to carry that many zeros?
Maybe they’re light zeros, not those nasty great big heavy zeros you get on a housing mortgage. Or a tank of fuel. Or a basket of groceries.
If they’re light enough, maybe we could use one of the Wing drones to get it in – right to the treasurer’s front door.
Oh, but it’s just air, I hear you say. It’s not real money, kind of like a free Keno ticket you’ve won as a runners up prize in the club raffle.
That’s what Scomo said, and Malcolm Turnbull before him, and Tony Abbott, Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard before him.
Don’t worry, Jim Chalmers is our man with a doctorate in political science, written a couple of books about this stuff, and he’s a good bloke. Over dinner, he’ll discuss his carpark deal with wife Laura. She and his three children will keep him grounded.
It is true that we want to get rid of the zeros, but first we must put faith in our man to do the right thing – not only by the people of Logan, but those of an entire nation.
Sounds like way too much work and responsibility to me.
Hey Wanda, I’ve been looking for that half-eaten packet of Jatz crackers for 20 minutes now. Any idea where they went?
