There they are, at every shopping centre, the ring of testosterone.
A group of (usually) men lined up in their rightful place acknowledging the fate bestowed upon them by being in partnership with someone who takes time to shop.
The younger ones on their phone, older ones reading books, the really old ones with their head pivoted back waiting for a snort to wake them from their open-mouthed slumber.
It would be fair to assume I too become part of this loitering befuddlement of misery when Wanda slips on her walking shoes, grabs her biggest bag and over-dresses for a day of what she would call “browsing”.
Not I. I’m too smart for that, because waiting for a shopper is like watching a boiling pot. It’s futile.
Like my recent discovery that pomegranate seeds make cauliflower taste good, I’ve found ways to make the previously unpalatable an experience of triumph.
Be part of the game. Create the challenge.
And straight to the most challenging of them all – women’s clothing. When you’re enjoying that, grocery shopping becomes a breeze.
Let’s look at it like this, and I apologise for the gender bias of this article. But believe me ladies, you’ll stand to benefit.
Gents, imagine you have something you need to fix to a post in your backyard. You go to Mitre 10 and before you lie hundreds of screws, nails and bolts. You study each, and you think of the post at home.
You know exactly what you need because you’ve factored in the weather conditions, the size of the post, the weight of the thing you need to fix. You’ve successfully picked the needle from the haystack. You’ve found the tool for the job.
Wanda is no post, I can assure you. For the moment though, imagine you’re in a women’s clothing store and all those items hanging on the racks around you are nails, screws and bolts. They too are made to befit the right weight, shape, size and weather conditions.
Catching my drift?
I’ll take it a step further. Imagine you’re out fishing. You have a bucket full of lures, and the fish just aren’t biting. So you ask yourself what the fish must be thinking. It’s a dull day, so you reach for a bright lure. The waves are larger than usual, so you look for something a little heavier.
You’ve temporarily transported your own mind into that of the fish.
Wanda is no fish, I can assure you. For the moment though, use the analogy to your advantage. The clothes are the lure. What is your partner looking for, and for what occasion? What are the conditions?
Use your experience. What has your partner worn before? You reach for the pink three-quarter dress because you know she’s worn that type of thing in the past. You have a dinner coming up with friends, where weather conditions will suit a nylon blend.
You take it from the rack. You eyeball your partner. A roll of the eyes means you’re back to the drawing board. A win is when she reaches for the dress, holds it up to the light and takes it to the fitting room.
Well done. You’ve just been helpful. And you’ve triumphed.
