As I saw the Premier and Lord Mayor heading off to the Tokyo Olympics, heavily vaccinated and ready to embrace the limelight as the 2032 hosts, my pen launched at the ready.
Because the perks of being in office got me thinking.
Whiney Wayne for Premier, I surmised as the planning side of my brain swung into action.
I’d already briefed Wanda to sort through her old frocks for the brightest muumuu that would make a royal-like impression in public as she stood by my side.
Best to give her plenty of time to get her head around the lifestyle changes. Yes, I’m considerate like that.
“I, Whiney Wayne, wish to announce my intention to run as an independent candidate for the seat of Premier,” I’d say, chest puffed out, thanking my wonderful wife for her support.
Details of a campaign platform were starting to become clearer by the minute. I’d think of ways to help all my friends – Geoffrey, the dog, my children.
But first I’d fight for a rule that allows the Premier to compete in an event of his or her choice at the 2032 Olympics, because being Premier comes with privileges.
What would I compete in? It doesn’t matter. I’d probably avoid tumbling sports like BMX freestyle or trampolining due to the unfortunate repercussions my motion sickness might have on spectators.
Anything that requires a g-string, such as beach volleyball or swimming, might have to take a back seat. Not because I’m personally bothered how I’ll brush up – if Putin can put himself on a calendar … never mind, Wanda would never allow it.
I’d probably stick to something where I could have an occasional breather, something like archery, or equestrian, or golf. Yes, older people play golf.
Sign a petition if you will. I don’t care, because I’ll be absorbing global applause for my genius, reading opinion polls which declare me Premier for decades to come.
Then, I’ll be booking the state jet and giving it a name, a bit like Air Force One, but much better. Maybe I’ll name it after Wanda.
We could call it the Wanda-rer, and take it to all the places on my bucket list because they’ll be the places most in need of bilateral relations which we’ll then form into multilateral relations so I can thereafter revisit every year to catch up with old friends.
You know, because that’s what Queensland needs. We need multilateral relations and friendships with all countries that have the most pristine 6-star beach resorts, where I’ll be declared a lifetime member for the fabulous work I did to ensure a tourism trade agreement.
But all that got me thinking.
There is no seat of Premier. The people elect less important types who, if they are part of the winning team, fall into a room and vote for the person they feel will best serve them and their needs.
So to be Premier, I must first abandon the people who elected me to my smaller standing in order to convince others that I’ll do a better job as an important person.
I began to write a list of pros and cons for this tactic, and it all became far too hard.
I write today to inform you that I will not be announcing my intention to run for the seat of Premier. But wouldn’t it be fun for a day or two?
