As Valentine Day draws nears, there are signs of love and affection in the air and everywhere you look. Some people will go above and beyond in their declaration of love – showering their partners with gifts, flowers and adoring sentiments.
But beyond the roses, chocolates and greeting card poetry – what does love really look like? How can we know if we are in a genuinely loving relationship, or one where love is used to justify controlling and abusive behaviours?
Sadly, too many people in relationships can feel trapped by their partner’s ‘love bombing’ – a form of emotional manipulation, where one person can bombard another with excessive affection, flattery and gifts in order to gain control in a relationship or justify abusive behaviours. When their aggression or possessiveness is questioned, an abusive partner may claim they are acting out of ‘love’.
Yet love does not look like bruises you conceal from family and friends.
Love does not manipulate, intimidate, gaslight, or punish.
Love does not tell you what you can wear, where you can go, who you can speak to, or how much you can eat.
True love lifts you up.
It listens, nurtures, and empowers.
It makes you feel valued and respected.
It supports your independence, your freedom, and helps you to grow.
It’s important to remember that not all domestic violence is physical. When one person in a relationship uses abuse or intimidating behaviour to control, dominate, humiliate or instil fear in another person, that too is domestic violence.
What might at first appear to be an isolated incident is commonly part of a pattern of abusive behaviour proven to be equally if not more harmful, and this is known as coercive control.
Knowing and understanding the signs of coercive control can help people identify, and respond to, toxic relationships. Coercive control encompasses a number of controlling behaviours – from cutting off support systems, gaslighting to confuse or manipulate, limiting access to finances, and monitoring activity through tracking by GPS or phone.
The Queensland Government has committed to introducing legislation to criminalise coercive control before the end of 2023. In drafting legislation, the Government will consult broadly – with survivors, the community, domestic violence service providers, legal experts, and the Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Council – to ensure legislation is clear, thorough, and effective.
Information about coercive control is also part of the updated Respectful Relationships Education being rolled out in Queensland schools this year. The new Respect program builds on the existing program, which was introduced in 2017, and includes new and strengthened information about consent, reporting of sexual assault, ethical decision-making, and the drivers of gender-based violence.
With proper education and support, our next generation of Queenslanders will navigate the world of dating with a greater understanding of the rights and responsibilities of individuals in relationships. They will be more aware of the drivers of domestic, family and sexual violence. They will see the signs of power and control, they will seek out help, and they will prevent further violence and abuse in their friendship circles, families and their own lives.
They will know what true love looks like.
Vanessa Fowler OAM and Bob Atkinson AO,
Co-chair, Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Council
